Cant do it yet....

There are these things I know I need to do to help me "move on" but I just don't think I can do it yet. When you are in a relationship for a significant amount of time you accumulate things just as much as memories. Well, I can not box up or cut off my memories....no matter how much I wish I could right now.

Cutting my hair (and I mean really chopping it off) is one thing I would like to do. It is this weird symbolic thing that my sister and I have always done after a big break up. I haven't gone through this very many times in my life....so it is kind of a big thing.

Boxing up his stuff. The first gift he ever gave me was the game Cooties for my 22nd birthday. They are sitting out on top of my dresser along with the "I Love You So" book he used to tell me he loved me for the first time and a picture of us in Destin. I cant imagine boxing those things up. Just typing it makes my stomach hurt. Because I know after I do it, there will be this full box but also a very empty space on the top of my dresser...which will only remind me of how empty I feel already.

Today I went over to my sister's house to visit and when I came in Caleb and Sarah were very excited to see me...which always makes me smile. Then, Caleb started telling me all about his birthday party that will be coming up and told me that I was invited. But then he said "and make sure to bring Kris" and continued to say all the fun things he wanted to do with Kris there. Tears are even filling my eyes now just thinking about it.

I know part of me is waiting...waiting for....I don't even know now. Him to come back I guess. But I need to bring myself to the place where I can do these things...but I cant do it yet.