Winter Guard Wednesday

I am going to try not to cry while I post this...but it will be hard.

It looks like I might not be teaching the St. James Winter Guard this year....or at all after that.

First thing is, they might not have one because the school will not support them financially at all so the girls are going to have to do fundraisers for everything. The school won't even allow them to use the buses for competitions without the girls paying for it. Breaks my heart for them.

Second reason, apparently there is a English teacher there that has color guard "experience" and they would like someone who works there to do the guard. They have no idea of her ability, but she wants it...and part of me really thinks they will just give it to her.

I just don't know if I will be able to handle something else that I love being stripped away from me. That thing, that when everything else is going bad can cheer me up...that thing that drives me through the day...will be gone.

I will be a skeleton...and empty shell. Everything I love will now be gone.

Am I strong enough......I'm not sure.

*Edit*

It is official...I just got the email. I will not be designing the STJWG show or working with the girls. Just need to try to get through this day......

My sister wanted me to add a link to the winter guard show I was talking about last Wednesday, so here it is!

This is their 2007 show...LOVE IT!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZZaTrUgOZI

And here is that 2008 show. So well done with the yellow and orange.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=limLQgJithQ&feature=related

Other new! My new refrigerator and dishwasher came in today. They are all black and look so nice with my now white cabinets. I am really starting to fall in love with this house now. Next thing to fix...the shower heads! Luckily those aren't near as expensive as a new refrigerator.

I also need to start hanging my wall art. That will really add a homey touch!

Oh!!!! St. James won 1st place at their competition yesterday! Woo Hoo! The guard ended up 3rd in their class. I always tell the guard that if they don't win the guard caption...they need to at least score high enough to help the band...and that it totally what they did! Good job STJCG and Band for a successful first outing.

Again with the Roommate!

I know I have posted about my room mate before...but he just seems to do things that make me happy!

So, he has been sick the last couple days...no, that is not what he did to make me happy...and so he went to Wal-Mart the other night to get stuff to make him feel better. Yesterday morning I wake up to the smell of cider! He had made his how cider drink in the crock pot to help his throat and made enough for me too!

I come home yesterday from school, the first full day of fall, a little down that summer is officially over and the crock pot is on and the whole house smells like fall cider wonderfulness! It totally lifted my spirits, because really the only thing I like about fall is Marching Band and apple cider.

Small I know...but it did make me very cheery. I even pored a cup of it this morning to take with me. I very much felt like my mom, driving with one hand with a coffee mug in the other. Think I will have to call her and tell her.....

Anyway, my room mate is awesome!

Winter Guard Wednesday

My sister always does this "Wordless Wednesday" post on her blog...and I really like it. I guess there is still a little 6 year old girl inside of me that just wants to do everything like her cool big sis...but I have decided to do a "Winter Guard Wednesday" post on my blog.

Last season by this time I knew exactly what I wanted to do with the STJWG! I knew the song and a lot of the drill design I was wanting to do. I had some vision on how I wanted the girls to look, uniform wise, and I had already met with people to talk out details.

This season...I am all over the place and I still haven't picked a song for the show! AHHH! I have around 15 songs in my "Show Idea" play list for this season and I have yet to narrow it down.

Part of me whats to do a show that really symbolizes what I have gone through the last 6 months. All the pain and sorrow. But can my girls truly capture that emotion? Could I design a show well enough to tell the story? And do I want to tell that story?

Or do I want to go a totally different direction....

The girls are the strongest in dance, so a slow pretty song is the obvious choice. Also, the concept "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" comes to mind. They did so well with the "pretty" show last year, maybe we just build on that.

To many ifs and maybes.....

So, I have set myself a dead line! By the end of this month I will have a song and design idea picked out for the STJWG.

**For a great Winter Guard Show go to Youtube and look up the Corona 2008 show! "It is well with my soul".....so amazing!

Birthday weekend!

This Sunday was super fun!

My sister decided to come down to spend the day with me for my birthday. When she got here she was able to finally meet my room mate and Aaron, which was interesting. Those boys are always playing video games so it was a very quick "hello". When we left my house we stopped by McAlister's to see one of Chrissy's old friends (and one of the bridesmaids in her wedding). We talked in the parking lot for a few mins and then it was off to get pedicures!

I took Chrissy to the place I use to go to when I live in Marion Park Apts. They were always nice there and they do a really nice job. So, we sat in those massaging chairs, soaked our feet, and got pampered. At the end, our toes looked very cute...I even made sure to wear my peep toe shoes today at work to show them off.

After that we went to Cheddar's for lunch. We both love that place so it was an easy choice. During our car ride and eating at the restaurant we had lots of great conversations...at one point Chrissy even made my jaw drop...very funny stuff.

It was an over all FUN day. After Chrissy left I went to the Palace with a few friends for a cheep movie and yummy popcorn. Haven't been there in a long time...it was really nice.

Birthday = Fun Day!

Looking more like me...

My house is slowly but surely starting to look my like "me" and my style which is making me very happy. I just love sitting in my living room now, everything is clean and the colors go so well together. Its the perfect place for me to unwind after school...watch a Buffy, read a book, or just eat some popcorn with Oprah on the TV.

The kitchen is ALMOST done. One or two coats of paint on the front of the cabinet doors and they will be ready to go back up. I am getting new hardware for them; black hinges and sleek black handles to match my potentially all black appliances. The walls still need to be painted but that wont take much time at all. I cant wait for that part of the project to be finished...I miss my clean and organized kitchen. I keep having to eat out for dinner because you cant cook with all the painting stuff out. I do love going out to eat...but it gets expensive!

My bedroom will probably be painted next weekend! A deep, rich purple. One of the colors I like has the word "wine" in the name, which I love. That will definitely change the mood of the room and make me enjoy being in there even more.

I am looking forward to the day when all my little projects are DONE and I don't have anything to do (with the house) on the weekend. That will be a happy day for me. Until then, my weekends are full of home improvement projects to help make my house more like my home.

So tired....

Yesterday the Willard FBLA and DECCA went to the career day in St. Louis. There was to be a "question and answer" time over business careers in sports, a college fair, and of course a Cardinals baseball game. An exciting day planed for the kids and I was really looking forward to it. I originally was not going to go, but last week my Dept Head decided I should go instead of her because she was going to be missing school on that Friday.

The day started...I had to wake up at 3:45 to take my shower. I should have taken it the night before but I just can seem to get into that habit. Showers wake me up and I would rather take them in the morning.

I was out the door at 4:45 because I needed to be at the school by 5. When I got there I went up to my room for one more check that everything was right for the sub and then headed back down to helped the other FBLA advisor pass out the tshirts to the kids. Almost everyone got there on time and we were on our way to STL around 5:30!

We stopped in Rolla for breakfast then continued on to STL from there. It was interesting to see the stadium before the masses got there. The only people in the ball park were the FBLA/DECCA kids for the career day. After that we went to Union Station for lunch and shopping, then back to the ball park for the game.

Even though we lost the game it was a really fun day. We didn't get back to the school till 9:15 at night....around 16 straight hours....and I was tired. I am still tired and my body feels like I spent 8 hours on a bus! Today will be a little slow going for me, but I will make it through!

No Comments

I have finally started to blog more often on here and it is starting to hit me how I never ever have comments on my posts.

Almost every day during my 4th planning period I post about something. Usually in the middle my friend (and my Dept Head's student teacher) comes by and asks me what I am doing. I tell him "I'm blogging" and he usually just smiles and tells me a little about how his day is going. But the other day he said something like "I just don't think I would like everyone reading what I post if I blogged." I looked at him and said, I don't think anyone reads mine. Then it hit me....no one really does. I never get comments on my posts.

Maybe it is because not very many people know I have a blog or maybe it is because I write things that are important and meaningful to me but holds no interest to anyone else. Either way, I view my blog to always find "0 comments" after my posts.

This just leads me to my next feeling....like my friends are becoming less and less. The other day I went on Twitter and noticed a friend I use to follow was no longer there. I went to someone else's Twitter and there she was. She has blocked me from viewing her Twitter. I have no idea why and it kinda broke my heart a little. I thought that this was a friend that one day would be in my wedding (if I ever get married).

I guess I am feeling a little lonely lately in the friend department. My best friend took a job in KC and I miss her all the time. I have my guy friends but it isn't the same.

Does "0 comments" = "0 friends" ?

Yesterday...

Yesterday, September 13th, came and went just like a normal day...but to me it wasn't just a normal day.

I kept myself busy, very busy, by painting my house. The cabinets are now white and the living room walls are this brown color with an olive undertone. The kitchen walls will soon be that same color. I love it so far...but what I love even more is how it kept my mind off of what yesterday was to me.

2 years ago...It was 2 years ago yesterday when he and I first got together. It was our first evening hanging out. I remember we had evening band rehearsal that night and we were standing at the top of the press box watching the band and color guard. The run throughs were not going well and he turned to me and said "I'm going to need a cocktail...would you like to join me" or something like that. Earlier that week he had made comments to me that made me wonder if he was flirting with me so when he asked me that I got extremely nervous. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to join him but I was scared. By the end of practice I told him I would come along.

I remember telling the guard instructor who I was helping (and very good friends with as well) about what was going on and she asked me if I liked him. At that point I had no opinion about him other than that we shared a lot of the same vision about the show and band in general. So I did not know what to tell her. She told me I had to tell her everything the next day...and I planned on it!

He and I spent the entire weekend together after that Thursday night which lead to a couple months of us secretly dating. We broke up around Thanksgiving, but then got back together after my Pasadena trip with the Pride Band.

A year and a half together. Probably the best year and a half you could have with someone I had with him and yesterday I stopped to remember how it began. He was perfect in my eyes. My "McDreamy"....everything I had ever wanted.

Even with everything I know now...with everything that happened...I would not take back that first evening or any moment I had with him. I wonder if he thought about me yesterday, or if he has already forgotten. If so, I will remember for the both of us and keep him in my heart always.

8 Years Ago Today...

I read my sister's blog everyday and I am often jealous of how well she can put feelings, events, and even reflections on the past into words. But, never the less I am going to try to put into words what I was doing and what I remember of that day....8 years ago.

Today in my class I have been telling my students about what that day was like for me. The kids in my class were in grades 1-4 when it happened. Most said that their teachers told them what had happened but they never watched the news that day. Others told me how they got out of school early, but still don't remember ever seeing any footage on the news. That day for my students is not the same as it was for me and others my age and older. They really do not have an emotional tie to this date in history and they don't seem to grasp how it changed everything.

I remember the day starting out like any other day. With it still being 9 days till my 16th birthday I had to ride to school with my dad. It was band season, so we were at school early for morning band practice. It was my sophomore year and I was captain of the color guard. I remember us practicing on the upper level of the gym...most likely because we were spinning our rifles and the coaches were always worried about us hurting the gym floor.

Chris Gooch (one of my class mates) had weight lifting 1st hour and would often come in the gym to say good morning. But that morning he kept talking about a plain crashing into one of the World Trade Center buildings. At that time I had no idea what that building was, or where it was, so the news did not worry me or scare me at all, but looking back Chris seemed to know the urgency of it all.

Then the guard went outside with the rest of the band to practice on the field. All of us were completely oblivious to what was happening unlike all the other students inside the building. When we came in I remember changing my shoes (with marching band you always had to changed shoes when you marched on our damp field) and the bell ringing. Heading to class I could tell something was wrong. The hall ways were oddly quited. I went to 2nd hour English and the TV was on with a live news channel.

Then I saw it.....

The image that I will remember for the rest of my life. That building, that seemed so far away, with smoke poring out of it. I know that I really did not understand what was going on. Probably that entire day I did not understand...what was happening and how it would change people forever.

I don't remember when, but I found out that my Uncle Doug was in one of the buildings that day. Later I was told about how he had to run out of the building sometime before it came crashing down. I know that my Aunt Kathy was not able to get in contact with him for a period of time and I cant imagine how terrifying that was. When I found out, he was already to safety. Still, bringing the reality of the event much closer to home. It was no longer just in NY, it was in my family.

When the school day was over I remember the rush to the gas station. Everyone in town was trying to fill up on gas and I was one of them, sitting in my dad's truck. There was actually a line at the pump like a woman's restroom in the mall. Completely unreal.

It was a day spent in slow motion. We did nothing in class but watch the news footage. It seemed like the class hours just dragged on...the day seemed to go on forever. Thinking back on it makes me exhausted.

Every generation has a event that defines their generation. The Space Shuttle Challenger in January of 1986, JFK's assassination in November of 1963, the Stock Market Crash in October of 1929, and so on. But this day 8 years ago...September 11, 2001 is the day that will stay in my generations minds and change what we see as "normal" for the rest of our lives.

1st Observation....

I was sitting in my 3rd hour today doing what I normally do...

-The kids come in.
-On the board it says to type in Micro Type for the first 5 mins of class.
-I take attendance while they do so and tie up any lose ends I need to.
-Check my "vision" from time to time to make sure all are typing.

Well, as I finish up I look around to see my principal sitting in my room. I think to myself "I wonder when he came in" and keep doing what I always do. I thank God that he decided to come into my 3rd hour class. It is my largest class with 26 students and no free computers, but it is also one of my best behaving.

I made my announcements, reminded them what they needed to be working on, and helped those who had been absent the day before to catch up. There was no lesson...just a work day...but the kids were so good, like that class always is.

He left about mid way through class and when he did I thanked my students for being so good while he was there and one of them asked me why he came to class today. I explained to them that when you are new they have to observe you from time to time. Again, thanking them for being such a good class.

I look forward to getting my 1st review to see what he thought about my class.

Home owner

Yesterday was the big day.

I was told last week, either Thursday or Friday, that we were going to be closing on the house at 1 o'clock on Tuesday. Now, when I first read the news in my email I became very excited. It was finally going to happen. But, I quickly pulled back and became slightly cautious. The reason for this is because back in mid July I was driving down to Springfield from the color guard camp I was currently working to close on this very same house. I was excited...really REALLY excited that I was going to have my own house. Then the phone rang....it was my Realtor. He told me we were not going to be able to close on the house like we had thought. Now for the next 2 months I have been waiting...waiting for the house I call "mine" to actually be MINE.

So yesterday I took a half personal day from school, went to get the cashier's check, grabbed a quick lunch, and headed to the title place where I would sign papers finally making my "Golden" house mine. It seemed to be like 100 pages I had to sign, but I did not care. My Realtor was there which made me feel very comfortable and my loan guy was there to make sure I understood all the loan parts. Also, very comforting. It only took around 15 minutes...and it was official...I own my own house.

It is a big relief to finally be finished with all that, but now I feel a different type of exhaustion. Now all the things I have been wanting to do with the house, all the little projects I thought I could do during the summer, I can do but has to be crammed into a weekend here and a weekend there.

1st priority - Painting the living room/kitchen and my bedroom. (any advice and/or help would be awesome!)

2nd - Decorate! I have some wall art...but again, would love some help with ideas.

3rd - Change the light fixtures in the kitchen, living room, both bedrooms, and office. Also, change out the water faucets/shower heads in the kitchen and bathrooms.

4th - tare out my ugly landscaping!

5th - New floors!!! But that has to wait till after the tax credit. And I want to extend the cabinets in my kitchen so I have a little pantry. Oh yeah...that will be fun for the guys in my life to help me with.

While doing all this I have stuff I need to sell on creigslist. My dishwasher and refrigerator need to go but no earlier then Sept 26 (that's when my new ones will be delivered). Also, some end tables and other little furniture things I don't need.

Can you tell I am on over load right now!?!?!? I am really rambling in this post. Sorry. I need to just make a schedule with when I can do what. Because right now it is all in my head and I feel like it all needs to be done this weekend! AAHHHHH!

Its Freakin Friday!

After typing this I realize that this post is a little all over the place. My apologies now.

My weeks are going by really REALLY fast! Its kind of crazy. Makes me feel like before I know it, it will be Thanksgiving. Which is totally ok with me...I love the holidays. Well, except Thanksgiving......

I never use to understand those people who did not like holidays. But the last few years I have began to realize why. Thanksgiving is a holiday I do not look forward to. For some reason I always get hurt around that time of year. But, maybe this year will be different. We will see. But if you are in my life now...and you say you don't like the holidays...get ready for me to change your mind. Its gonna be great.

Speaking of great, last night I went to a home softball game. It was really nice to see a game again. Marcella and I went together which made it even more fun. I love it that I can spend time outside of the school day with those I work with and truly enjoy it.

Tonight is the first home football game. I will be going...but just so I can see the band! : ) They wont have their entire show finished yet, but what they do have done will probably be pretty good.

I am in such a great mood today and I know probably where it is coming from. He always brings a smile to my face....that and I have had 2 cups of coffee already this morning. Life is good!

Hope Floats

I absolutely LOVE the movie Hope Floats. I seem to love it even more now that I have experienced a heart breaking moment that changes what you thought was going to be your future, making me relate to "Birdee" in the film even more. I love this line at the end of the movie. Birdee says its something her mama use to say and it just popped into my head the other day.

"....that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..."

I feel like hope is finally starting to float up and I am glad it is. I cant decide if it took longer than I thought or shorter. I wish that it wouldn't have taken so long for me to get to this point, but to be honest...I thought it would taken till around Christmas.

They say it takes half the time you were with some one to get over that someone. It was a little over a year and a half so I was counting on around 9 months, putting me right around Christmas. I don't know if I am 100% yet, but I am better, and that is saying something.

So today I am happy....happy that Hope finally decided to Float up.

Passion

I am thankful that I have a passion in my life. That I even have more than one passion that gets me through the day. It is the reason I wake up in the morning, the thing that pushes me through the day, the fire that makes me feel alive, and usually the spark that shines through me even if you don't know me.

I recently met someone new. A new friend, maybe an interest if you want to call it that, and when I told him about my passion he saw me instantly light up. He commented on how my eyes sparkle when I talk about it, kind of cheesy I know, but its true.

I don't know how people live without passion in their life. And it is becoming more and more clear to me that to end up with some one (romantically) they have to have something the feeds their fire...and they have to have a passion for me. I am not ok with those who, in the past, are just fine that I am in their life. Those who don't get excited to see me. I am not ok with that.

It is the missing piece for some. The reason why things didn't work out. I am a force and I need someone to counter it. I recently watched the movie Hancock and the part when Will Smith and Charlize Theron are together and the storm starts rising up....is exactly the picture I have in my head when it comes to the passion I must have in my life.