An Early Christmas

The last couple days I have been trying to clean up my house. I decided I wouldn't try to do it all in one day because when I do that I end up crashing in the middle of a project and never getting back to anything. This happens a lot when I do all my laundry in one day. I will do 4 or maybe even 5 loads...the first 2 I am really good at folding or hanging up the cloths as soon as I get them out of the dryer. Then the third I leave in the laundry basket...the 4th might even stay in the dryer for a few days. Anyway, this is why I decided to do a little around the house each day.

Monday I got up early to take Leo and Phoebe to the groomer. Every time the pups get cleaned up I wash their beds, the carpets in the bathrooms because they tend to lay on them, and change and wash the sheets on my bed as well as the blankets we use in the living room. That usually takes to loads in the washer so I decided that was all the laundry I would do that day. I also used my pet hair thingy to get phoebe's white hair off my red couch and love seat.

Tuesday I actually slept in and at noon I went down town to get my hair cut and colored. I am not to excited about how it turned out! I asked for something edgy and sexy...it is NOT edgy at all. It is a good hair cut and the color is nice, just not what I wanted. When January payday comes I am going back to A Valeria Boss Salon and making an appointment with Tristie. That place is AMAZING!!!

Yesterday I had an old friend come visit me! It was so much fun. I did some last minute shopping for the family and then just got to hang out at home while doing another load of laundry. For dinner I took my friend to Fugi and they LOVED it.

This morning I got up really REALLY early (for a day on "vacation") to get to my parents house to have an early Christmas with Chrissy and Josh, the little ones, Mom and Dad, and me. I got a few really perfect gifts and I think the kidos really loved what they got. Oh, and the UPS guy finally got here and the Cheesecake I told my mom to get from QVC is here...cant wait to have a piece.

Tomorrow we will leave to go to the Vogt Christmas. That will be a nice day...filled with LOTS of food. I cant remember, but I think it is Christmas when the Dog Show is on. I hope so, I love watching it with my Aunt Kathy.

The early Christmas was fun and I am looking forward to tomorrow. I haven't really been in the Christmas spirit this year and I'm not sure why. But still...it will be a good couple days.

The Fairy Tale...

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."

Does the fairy tale really never come true?

I need HEAT!!!

In so many of my past relationships I felt like the things I wanted weren't really THAT important. Or, that maybe they were not that big of a deal and I would "learn" to live without it.

With K is was mostly the verbal affirmation. Telling me everything was ok if things were really up in the air and I was stressed. Telling me I was still beautiful and sexy even when it was the middle of winter and I had lost my tan and wasn't as toned as I was in the summer. Telling me things I just really needed to hear. I may have known he thought them...but I needed to actually hear them. I kept telling myself that some guys just don't say things like that and I would need to learn to be ok with that.

I am DONE being JUST OK with stuff like that.

There are things I want...things I need in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with these qualities and I an tired of living without them. I will not settle and tell myself "well some guys just don't do that."

The guy I'm with WILL want to do these things or at least try!

I bring this up because I have to have HEAT and FIRE and PASSION in my relationships. When I dress up for something and try to take his breathe way (even just a little) I want him to look at me like "WOW" ya know? I mean seriously, in the beginning it should definitely be there. I shouldn't have to "work" on chemistry. It should happen on its own. The spark should just come and if it doesn't then I don't think it is meant to be.

Its hard though, because I might be with a really great guy and...he just doesn't get it. Someone who can know me so well and not catch on that everything is SO flat and so cold.

I want to be with someone who has passion in their life and has passion for me! Is that really to much to ask???

"I want moonlight, and flowers, and candy, and people trying to feel me up. Nobody is trying to feel me up. Nobody is even looking at me.... Do the two of you have any idea how much effort it takes to do all this? I'm waxed, and plucked, and I have a clean top on....I want heat, I want romance, damn it I wanna feel like a freakin' lady!"

DVR

I will begin with saying how much I LOVE our DVR.

I have a few shows (So You Think You Can Dance, Tough Love 2, Grey's Anatomy, and Glee) that I just have to see, but there are things my room mate likes to watch and/or play on the TV as well. Since we have DVR though, if he is watching or playing something I don't have to worry. I let him continue doing whatever it is and know that I can watch my show some other time.

Specially since my shows are "girly" I can watch them when he is busy with something else and not drive him crazy. : ) I know he appreciates that.

The point of all this is...

I finally watched the Season Finale of So You Think You Can Dance and I have to tell you...the performance show made me cry multiple times. The choreography, the quality of movement, the music choices, and the all over performance for a few of them were so good that truly moved my soul.

My room mate really did understand why I would cry at someone dancing....its ok, he doesn't have to get it. But I bet there were others who were moved in the way I was. It was a wonderful way to end the season. Even though my favorite dancer, Jakob, got 2nd.

I cant wait for Season 7!!!

A house warming gift

I knew my mom would want to get me house warming gifts from time to time. She sure did put a smile on my face this time!

Yesterday when I got home from school there was a box at my front door. I brought it inside and quickly opened it. When I saw what was inside I did my happy dance and screamed and giggled and was just as happy as I could be.

What was inside this lovely box? Well, it was a Keurig Mini Brewer Coffee Maker, in Red!

I know this doesn't really sound like a huge deal...but it was to me! Every time I come to my mom's house I have to use her k-cup 1. because it is just so easy and fast and 2. because the coffee is really good.

I LOVE IT!!! Thank you MOM for the coffee maker that is perfect for a single girl like me : )

A second blog

I have decided to start a second blog.

This blog is like my personal journal and I will more than likely put it on private here soon and invite those of you who read it from time to time. Which means, if you want me to put you on the "invite list" you need to let me know. lol You may need to have an account for me to be able to do that. I will keep you posted.

My second blog is going to be all about my choreography and teaching experience with color guard and winter guard. I don't know if that sounds exciting to anyone else, but we are starting an 8th grade winter guard here at Willard and I would love to tell about their growth as well as the journey the high school guard is on.

When that blog is finally started I will share with you the address...if any of you are interested.

Winter Guard Wednesday

Have you ever had something (not a person) in your life that you LOVED so much you simply couldn't find adequate words to explain why? You try to describe it to the people around you...and you can tell in their eyes they don't get it. Maybe because they don't have something like that in their own lives or maybe it is just the actual "thing" you love that they just don't get. That is how I am about Winter Guard.

I am THAT choreographer that loves to tell my personal story through the winter guard shows I write. Last season when I wrote the STJWG show I had the love of my life in mind the entire time. The song "Lost" talks about getting lost in a person, loving every part about them so much that its like your swept away...lost...

This spring when the break-up happened I still had a week of the winter guard season to go. The show had an entirely different meaning to me and I shared it with my girls. For their last show I wanted them to show how lost they would be WITHOUT the love of their lives. I think they did a wonderful job...and they ended the season with a 1st place finish.

Right now I am helping with another wonderful winter guard. Having to come in early to school to work with the High School guard and stay after school to work with the 8th grade guard does not bother me at all. In fact, it is what helps me get out of bed at 5:15 in the morning. It is the joy of my day. I cant seem to explain it...but it brightens me...in the deepest part of me.

I hope that my love for winter guard shows through to the girls I work with and that they might share in some of that love. That if they are having a bad day, or a bad week, or bad semester...they can come to practice and let it all fade away and just be in the moment. Letting it brighten their day, even for just that short time.

Middle School Again...

I feel that many things on the Internet have made grown adults revert back to being in middle school with immature middle school behaviors.

I remember when I was in middle school, someone would have a birthday party (or some other type of get together) and invite only specific people. They wouldn't do this secretly either...they would pass out the invitations right in front of everyone so that those who were not invited would know and everyone around them would know that they weren't "liked enough" to be asked to the party.

Now that we are older, some do the same thing. Sometimes through facebook or myspace or twitter and now even through blogs. A person's blog or profile account who you use to be able to go to and read....you have been "uninvited" and it is a slap in the face.

Things like this hurt me because I am the type of person who does not hold grudges and typically gets over fights/arguments pretty quickly. I know that people around me have different opinions than me and sometimes discussions can get heated...but I never hold it against someone if we get in a bit of a fight because we see things differently. Once the discussion is over...I'm over it. I would never block someone from an account of mine just because we exchanged a few heated words.

But maybe its just me. Maybe I am a duck, letting things roll off my back, and some can not do the same. There is this person in my life that I love very much, but she has the tendency to hold on to hurtful things for years and years. I have seen how it eats at her and I refuse to let my soul be ripped apart in that way.

No more blogging for me....

I think it is time for me to stop my blog. Because apparently I am pathetic and other people reading my blog are sick of it.

It was a great way for me to say all the things I could actually allow to come out of my mouth and on the ears of someone else. Even though I knew people would read it, I was able to say things I normally wouldn't. I think it helped me get some experiences off my chest instead of bottling them up inside me. But...I guess that is not what I was suppose to be blogging about. Sorry, I didn't get the rule book before I started.

My life is really starting to be good again. Things are light and kinda cheerful right now. I don't need something that is going to cause more drama in my life. So, I'm saying good bye to my blog.

A Perfect Evening

Last night was SO much fun.

Yesterday I was up at 5:15 a.m. and out the door by 6ish. We had winter guard practice, which was a lot of fun. Then, teaching all day...and it was a good day in my classes. After school I headed over to the Intermediate school for the 8th grade winter guard practice. I clocked in a solid 10 hours at school and I was worried I would be to tied to enjoy the dinner date we had planned.

That was NOT the case. As soon as he came to my door I had all the energy in the world.

The dinner was fun and the food was REALLY good. He and I ordered the same thing (petite sirloin cooked medium), which I thought was kinda cute. Some people around us got the 1 and 1/2 lbs t-bone steak. It was amazing to see and fun to watch the people try and finish it. Not very many accomplished the difficult task, but one guy at my table did. Very impressive. I think my dad could do that...he LOVES steak. We played white elephant (I think is what it was called) which is a "Christmas present stealing" game and the end got pretty entertaining.

His coworkers are a blast and the whole night was just perfect. I didn't want it to end. I hope he has as much fun with me as I do with him. He is hard to read....but, I think most guys are.

Anyway, last night was a perfect evening......

Actually Sweet To Me.....

Let me tell you something. Last night, I got into the car of this guy (who just so happens to be my best friend) that I have started dating and when he turned on the car 88.3 The Wind was already on with Christmas music playing.

Now, this might not seem like a big deal and maybe it really isn't; but, it is the small things that I notice the most with people and the small gestures that they make to try and make you smile. This, what he did last night, made me smile.

He knows I love Christmas music and he lets me change the station every time I get in his car. But this time when he came to my house to pick me up for dinner, before turning off his car he thought to change the radio station so it would already be on for me.

For ME!!! Someone did something that would literally make ME, and just ME in that moment, happy!

I know he doesn't really get in to listening to Christmas music...at least not yet. Closer to Christmas he says. But he doesn't mind me having it on when he is around.

I haven't been with someone like that in a long time and let me tell you...its nice. I don't mean to put down any other guys that I have been with in the past. They did sweet things in their own way when the opportunity presented itself. But I don't remember any of them thinking ahead and doing something small just to brighten my day a little.

This new guy (who isn't really new because I have known him for a while) we will call him McBFF. Any way...he and I don't have the crazy and consuming passion like I have had in the past and that really worried me at first, but we have a great understanding of each other. We don't have that "getting to know you" phase because we already know so much about each other. We just enjoy time. Time doing nothing really.

So yesterday, in one simply and small gesture, my doubt and my worries went away. At least for now...I know because of certain situations that I have been through lately I will have a tendency to doubt and question him....but for now I am good.

The comments

I already know I am probably going to get A LOT of crap after this blog, because some of you will take it as me defending the man who has done so much damage to my heart. And I guess in some ways I am defending him...but mostly his comment.

I read his post after school yesterday and when I first read through the lines I found it odd. I did not automatically think it was him. It wasn't till about the 3rd time I looked at it that I thought it might be him. Even with the idea that it may be him writing this on my blog, I was not mad or upset.

Because I KNOW HIM! And I knew where he was coming from. I know if I was still with him I would probably be celebrating advent along with him. I remember last year not putting his tree up with him till a few days before Christmas, which was a very special moment, I thought, for us.

These last few months have been really hard. Meeting and talking to women who were in his past was almost unreal. I do feel though, in my deepest part of me, that I know him better than anyone (except his mother and sister). And maybe that is why letting go has been so hard and so hard for them to understand.

I am not holding on anymore. I am so past that. The past is the past and I have to keep looking forward. I choose to remember the great times I had with him and move on toward something else.

Ok, so the point of all this is....his comment did not upset me and where I LOVE that so many of you would jump to my defence...HE is the one area of my life that I really cant handle people "bashing". So thank you. Really, Thank You for defending my "right to listen to Christmas music" but I'm ok.

I really hope that some of you find a way to forgive him for whatever pain he may have caused you or someone close to you. Because forgiveness is the greatest way to heal. I have forgiven him and I sill think he is a great man. He is more brilliant that any of you know...He is the measuring stick (both good and bad) for every guy I date now...and He will always be in my heart.

Christmas will soon be here...but what is becoming my favorite holiday, the New Year, will be here soon too. What I love about New Year is that EVERYONE gets a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance in life...sometimes even a third and forth chance. By letting him be the man I know he can be, and I know he wants to be, I find I am becoming a stronger woman. Letting go of the pain and starting over.

This is a wonderful time of year to forgive and start over....

Christmas Music

For the past few days, in my Computer Applications I class I have been listening to Christmas Music while they work on their All About Me PowerPoint project. The kids always like it when I put music on when they are working independently. Usually, I play the radio station called Alice because 1. It is the only station that comes through clear in my room and 2. It has a great mix of music from now, 90's, and good 80's. But, since it is December and Christmas is only like 20 days away I decided to play 88.3 The Wind who has Christmas music on 24/7.

It is fun. I think most of the kids really like it. I know I do : )

"6 Months To Go"

Oh my....






I just got an email from TheKnot.com telling me I only had 6 months to go till Kris and I's wedding. I got one of those this summer telling me that "One Year from Today" I would be getting married. I broke into tears right then and there.

I cant believe I haven't deleted that account yet. I guess I only think about it when I get emails like this.

When I saw it today, my eyes did not fill with tears. My heart did stop for a moment though. Thinking about that day I had started to plan. But no tears.

That's something right? Something big?

To Do List

Last night was really nice. I went out to dinner and got some sushi. I actually tried a new one this time instead of getting my usual. It was just me and my best friend and we don't get to do that much, so it was really relaxing and fun. When I got home I had to get to work, so that wasn't as much fun. He stayed and kept me company though.

It was difficult for me to get much done because Phoebe was really clinging last night. She just had to be on my lap and she kept wanting to lay her head on my laptop...which makes it hard for me to type. But, most of what I needed to do got done so I didn't mind cuddling up with my Phoebe in the process.

I am so tired today...AGAIN. I am kinda burning it at both ends right now. Which usually I am use to, but it is starting to drain me right now. Winter guard every Tues-Fri at 6:30 am, then teach all day, and soon will start MS winter guard which will go from 3-5 after school Tues, Thurs, Fri. So I will be putting in 11 hour days a lot of the time.

I need to keep going though, after school today I can not sit on my couch eating my famous popcorn and watching Friends DVDs. I was so tired yesterday, that is really all I had energy for. Here is my to do list for today.

School

-Finish my notes for Chapter 5 for Basic Business class
-Post Final PowerPoint project online for Comp Apps 1
-Type ALC notes
-Double check on FBLA Community Service stuff

Home

-Laundry
-Buy Dog Food
-Laundry
-Cook Dinner
-Laundry
-Fold Laundry
-Hang up Laundry

I really need to go to bed before 11 or 12 tonight...I can not function very well doing that. 9 p.m. bed time...I hope to see you tonight!

Thank You New Reader...

So, on my last post I said that I felt like having sushi tonight for dinner. Well, one of my new readers I guess told a guy friend (who I usually have sushi with) that I was wanting that for dinner...so I think we might go. I am really really excited!

On another sushi topic.

My mother has never had sushi. She is one of those people who only thinks of sushi as yucky raw fish...and I keep telling her its not what she has in her head. Well, she has finally agreed to go with me on Friday to have sushi for dinner. I am so freakin excited. BUT...I need to figure out where the best place to go is for her first time. I'm just not sure yet.

Sakura
Haruno
Umi

Or maybe even Fuji

They are all very good but kinda different. Something I will need to ask my sushi friend tonight.

Tired...

I am so tired right now...I can barely keep my eyes open. Wow...gotta make it through this day.

I feel like sushi tonight....maybe the thought of that can keep me going.

Last Call for Thanks...

My reasoning behind doing this "30 Days of Thanks" on my blog was to make my entries more cheerful. I know I have been in a pretty low place these last 8 months and my blog has definitely reflected that. I have to be honest and say...it has been really hard for me to think of things I am thankful for. I know I have lots of positive things in my life...its just hard for me to bring them to the front of my mind lately. So, I will try to finish my list and make it as close to 30 as I can. No promises though.



#17



I am thankful for my house. I was kinda on a timeline when it came to finding and buying a house. Everything seemed to go so smoothly at first and then closing day came. Not very many people know about all the craziness that happened, but long story short...I ended up doing a "possession prior to closing", moving in, and living in a house that I didn't even own yet. It was stressful. There was a chance that everything could fall through and I would have no where to live. But, it all worked out and I love my house. I was in need of a lil TLC because the guy before me did nothing to update it, but it is starting to look like me. It is everything I need and then some. A place I can grow along with.



#18



I am thankful for a specific few of my students. Some of them just brighten my day and truly make me look forward to coming in to work each day. Most of them are my FBLA kids that I also get to see during after school events, but some of them aren't and I only see them in class. Either way...they bring a smile to my face.



#19



I am thankful for Sudafed PE Daytime and Nighttime medicine. I have a bit of a cold or allergies, I cant really tell, right now and this stuff really has helped me get through the last couple days.



#20



I am thankful for make up. I know that some people say I look fine without it...but boy do I look better with it. I feel like a totally different girl with make up on and I know many girls probably feel the same way. The things I would not leave my house without...mascara and my eye brow pencil.



#21



I am thankful for my favorite snack food...popcorn. And I do not make popcorn in the microwave, oh no! I pop mine on the stove. I use the White Popcorn that you get on the bottom shelf at Price Cutter and Molly's butter. I never get tired of that. When I was student teaching I think I had that after school almost every day. Now that I am talking about it...I am pretty sure I will make some over school today. Its totally my favorite snack and I have had multiple people say I make the BEST popcorn. A skill I am very proud of.

I might post more later....but that is all for now.

To my new blog stalker....I hope this makes you feel better. I know you were worried about me not posting for a while.

So far behind!!!!

I know...I know...I am so far behind. I normally write a new entry during my planning period here at school, so while I was off in Florida I didn't have a chance to get on and blog and over the Thanksgiving break I was pretty busy with the family.

Don't worry. During my break today...while papers are copying in the copy room...I will try my hardest to finish my 30 Days of Thanks. I might not get all 30 in, but I will do my best.

And for my new blog stalker...don't worry, you didn't scare me off from blogging. LOL! I am excited for my new reader.

A sence of Humor

#16

I am so thankful that I have a sense of humor and that I do not get embarrassed very easily. There is a reason why I am thankful for this today....here is the story!

So, in 3 hour today (the one hour in the day where my class room is completely full) my bra strap broke. I was a little worried that some of the students would have noticed; but, it wasn't something I was to concerned about. After I was done talking to the class about what they needed to do today I went to my desk. Because I found it to be kinda funny, I opened up my email and decided to tell one of my teacher friends what happened.

HERE IS WHERE THE BAD PART COMES IN.....

I had been showing my students an example up on my SmartBoard and forgot to put the screen on freeze before I started my email. Most of the kids were busy working but a hand full of my students saw my letter to my friend.

THE SECRET WAS OUT!

One girl started giggling and I knew right then what happened. So, I very calmly minimized my email, put the screen on freeze, and looked at the girl and said "Sooo can you help me out or are ya just gonna laugh at me?" and the girl just looked at me and said "Aren't you at all embarrassed?" Me get embarrassed? Not gonna happen. I told her I wasn't and the other kids that saw where amazed I wasn't freakin out. I said, maybe if my pants fell off in the middle of class I would be embarrassed.

Hope I didn't jinks myself with that one!

But the rest of the class kept on working....the ones that saw found if funny for a couple mins and then moved on. I truly believe that because I did not freak out the "crisis" did not turn out to be a hour long distraction. After class I went down to the wonderful FACS teacher and asked for a safety pin and told her what happen. She smiled, laughed a little, and gave me the 2 safety pins I needed to make it through the rest of the day.

I am so thankful that I am not easily embarrassed and that I can let things roll off my shoulders. I also think the kids enjoy the fact that I can make fun of myself from time to time.

My room mate

Again...I know I am a lil behind.

#15

I am SO thankful for my room mate. There are so many things he does that can make me smile but the thing he did last night....truly makes me thankful for him.

I know that guys usually don't deal well when girls cry....but last night I cried, and cried HARD. He came out of his room....looked at me...and just sat down on the couch beside me and held me. I have NEVER had a guy do that for me. I didn't need to talk or anything really. I had no words to say....just tears. And there he was, there to hold me and let me know I wasn't alone.

All he said was...."It will be ok" and in that moment with him there with me I believed him. I have never had a guy friend like that and until we started living together I didn't know He would be like that. Maybe it is because we aren't dating....I don't know....but he is amazing and I am so thankful I have him in my life.

Defying Gravity

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap! I

t's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

GLINDA
Can't I make you understand?
You're having delusions of grandeur:

ELPHABA
I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
(spoken) Glinda - come with me. Think of what we could do: together.

(sung) Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been
Glinda -
Dreams, the way we planned 'em

GLINDA
If we work in tandem:

BOTH
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

ELPHABA
They'll never bring us down!
(spoken) Well? Are you coming?

GLINDA
I hope you're happy
Now that you're choosing this

ELPHABA
(spoken) You too
(sung) I hope it brings you bliss

BOTH
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy, my friend:

ELPHABA
So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

GLINDA
I hope you're happy!

CITIZENS OF OZ
Look at her, she's wicked! Get her!

ELPHABA :
Bring me down!

CITIZENS OF OZ
No one mourns the wicked So we've got to bring her

ELPHABA
Ahhh!

CITIZENS OF OZ
Down!

A few days behind....

I am a few days behind on my giving thanks. I will try to catch up today.

#14

I am thankful for the Professional Business Fraternity Delta Sigma Pi. I pledged Deltasig in the fall of 2007 and it was the best thing I did in college.

When I first came to MSU (SMSU at the time) I made tons of friends through color guard. My first week of classes weren't scary at all because there was at least one other person from The Pride in each class. Because we already knew each other from The Pride...we would sit by each other and not usually make connections with anyone else in the class.

When you are in The Pride...your schedule somewhat forces you to be friends because you spend so much time together. After a couple years I started to notice that when people stopped being in the band or guard, by aging out or other reasons, the friends they had didn't always last. I worried that when my time on the Pride was over I would be very alone...because I had no friends outside of that organization.

That's when I decided to join another organization....a Professional Fraternity. That semester was crazy for me. I was taking 19 hours, helping with the Nixa color guard in the mornings and Thursday evening, I had a new boyfriend, I was still in color guard, and I was pledging a Fraternity. My plate was filled.

Through the pledging processes I made friends, close friends, that I knew would last a life time. After I aged out of winter guard what I feared would happen with my friends in that organization came true. No one from guard talked to me anymore...but it was ok, I had my Deltasig friends. My last year of college was hard. Stressful and difficult! But I had my friends there to keep me going.

Even after graduation, even with Stacey moving away, my closest friends have worked hard to stay together. I try to call Stacey about once a week. Those friends that are still down here try to get together from time to time. And we have family dinner once a week, usually at my house. Those who are still in college have not forgotten us who have moved on to the "real world" and invite us to things as much as they can.

This Saturday was Initiation and it was amazing. My favorite part of the semester. To be reminded of everything we hold close to us, our deepest secrets, and except others into our closest circle. Other alumni came down and it was great to see some of those who came before me and I got close to while I was an active member. I also loved being able to add someone to my family. My little bro's little bro is awesome and I am glad to have her in my family tree.

It was an all around great weekend filled with Rock Band and bad food and lots of laughing! The only thing that could have made it better is if Stacey could have been here. I wish this weekend never had to end!

Thankful for Friday

I love teaching and I love where I am teaching...this blog is not about how I am thankful to have a break from teaching....

#13

I am thankful for Friday because the weekend, for me, means I can get to do more stuff around my house and maybe even spend some time with my friends. Friday means a weekend where I can spend the whole day with my puppies...playing and cuddling!

Friday is usually an easy day in my classes. Students are already thinking of their weekend as well, so I spend the day reviewing or doing something that is slightly more simplistic.

Most teachers look forward to Friday because we get to wear jeans. That is not a big thing for me. I am just as comfortable in my dress pants. But it is nice seeing all the teachers in their Willard t-shirt...it just feels so school spirited.

So today I am thankful for Fridays!

Fabulous Shoes

# 12


Today I am thankful for fabulous shoes! I am such a lover of pointed toe stilettos....OH YES! There is really nothing else I can say about that. If I had tons and tons of money....I would spend it on beautiful shoes. Even those shoes you buy just for one outfit that you might wear once! Shoes are what make me feel the prettiest...and when nothing fits at the mall...shoes always do! LOVE IT!

Winter Guard Wednesday (on Thursday)

I wasn't feeling very well yesterday, so I forgot to post my Winter Guard Wednesday and the 11th thing I am thankful for. So, I will have to do both of those now....

Winter Guard Wednesday

I watched SYTYCD on my DVR last night. I was able to see the performance show and the elimination show. I thought the dancers were good...but there was a song that I really liked. It was called "Be Be Your Love" by Rachael Yamagata. I enjoyed the choreography put with it as well...but I was really waiting for the performers to give me chills or make me cry and it just didn't happen. Maybe next time....maybe next week Mia Michaels will choreograph a piece.

This show always inspires me for Winter Guard. Trying to think of ways to incorporate different types of movement into a winter guard show...either standing on its own or layered with equipment work. I love the organic feel of contemporary movement...that is the style I would most like to fuse into any winter guard work I write.

Which brings me to what I am thankful for today (which should have been yesterday's post).

#11

I am thankful for all of the opportunities I have had to choreograph for Fall and Winter guard. I started doing this the summer after I graduated high school. I was able to fill in some work for the Owensville Color Guard (where my dad was band director still) but my first color guard job was the summer after my freshman year of college, I wrote for the Glendale color guard. Ever since then I have worked 2 or 3 different guards every summer and helped with 1 or 2 winter guard each winter. Starting with Glendale and then working with Eureka (summer 2005 & winter 2006), Union (summer 2006 & 2007), St. James (summer 2007 & 2009 winter 2009), Nixa (summer 2007), Bland (summer 2008 winter 2008), Windsor (summer 2008), Salem (summer 2009), and now Willard.

My summers are crazy busy but I wouldn't have it any other way. I have always enjoyed the different groups I have worked with and I look forward to continuing my choreography career. It gives me joy.

Boys cooking

#10

I am thankful for the close guy friends in my life that like to cook dinner and invite me over. Not only do they cook....but they cook pretty good! And they are not to bad to look at during the process.

That's were I am right now....having dinner with some of my favorite people. A movie will be later. Good times.

And man do I need it right now!

Fat

"I've decided that I'm gonna get really fat. Just as a stop gap, just until I figure out another plan. Eat all of these muffins and I'm gonna get really gloriously fat!" --Addison

My entire life I have worked at being pleasing to the eye. When I was in middle school I would do anything to lose weight. In high school sports really kept me fit so I didn't have to worry about weight as much; so, then my focus went to my make up and hair. When I went to college I started trying different close and shoes...anything to make me appear more attractive. I have become as fashionable as a girl can be as a teacher in the Midwest.

My appearance wasn't the only thing I would "work on" to make me seem more attractive. My confidence (which is mostly real...not faking that all the time) was something I played off of to make people notice me more.

Ive worked so hard....and I'm still alone. It makes me think of Julia on "The Wedding Singer" when she says "What does pretty have to do with it?" So, I am gonna get fat! Maybe just to see what happens!

My Coworkers

#9

I am SO thankful for my coworkers. I really enjoy working with them and they teach me so much.

Marcella was my cooperating teacher when I was student teaching here at Willard and she made want to work here even more. She is also my "mentor" for my first couple years here. She is fun and easy going. We call her "boss" but she always lets us know that even though she is the dept head that she isn't any better than us.

Hannah is really close to my age which is fun. Her mom was a teacher too so we have quite a bit in common. She is right across the hall so I tend to ask her a lot of questions, and she never seems to mind. This is her 3rd or 4th year teaching so she remembers very well what that 1st year is like.

Darin....Oh Darin....he is the closest thing to having Josh (my brother in law) down her that I can get. If I had a brother...I think it would be a lot like me and Darin. He is the one I see out of school the most, and his wife is awesome too. He has given me a lot of great ideas for my class room too. He never minds sharing his ideas. He is awesome!

I am thankful every day for these wonderful people I work with. They make coming to work even more enjoyable.

My adorable puppies...

#8

Seeing as how I will not be getting married any time soon, I tell my mother that my dogs are the closest things to grandkids she will be getting from me for a WHILE!!! Also, with the thought that I might not want to have kids...my adorable puppies are my children.

I haven't had a chance to post any pics of my new puppy Leo yet, so I thought now would be a good time!

I am also very thankful for my Phoebe. Having her with me this spring and summer really cheered me up. She is my girl and I love her to pieces!

They are really starting to get along. I am sure they will be BFFs : )

A beautiful Saturday

So today we had a birthday party for my sister. It was such a beautiful day....just perfect for a celebration.

Because of all the festivities I almost forgot to make a post for my 30 Days of Thanks...

#7

I am thankful for energy drinks. I don't like the ones that are really sugary, like Monster, Red Bull, or Rockstar. Instead I love AMP...especially the purple one. It just taste like a soda to me, and let me tell you...I am a little in love with them.

I know it is probably bad for me, so I have really tried to cut back. But I still like having one from time to time.

Thanks # 6

I have to say before I post this, that on my ride to school today I knew this was what I was going to put as my #6 for the 30 Days of Thanks. When I read my sister's blog this morning I actually laughed out loud because....

#6

I am thankful for my 2 car garage and my garage door opener. For my first year of college I lived in the dorms, no garage close by there. Then for the next 4 years I lived in apts off campus, again no garage for me. Now, my last apt I was in did have a car port which helped. But it is not the same as having your car in a garage that is attached to your house.

I love how in the morning I can go to my car and not worry about the weather. I think about when it frosts in the morning, one thing I hate is having to scrap off my from windshield. But with my car in the garage I don't have too. Also, having a garage door opener means I never have to stand in the rain, snow, or sleet to get in my house.

Its the simple things that I love really. The things that you don't think about till you don't have them. The little things that just help life be go by a little easier. My garage and garage door opener are just 2 of those simple things I am thankful for. And apparently my sister and I have the same love for our garages. Which I find to be funny....

Great minds think alike...

An Angry Woman

My sister asked me when I would finally get to the angry "I hate him" stage! Well, let me tell you...I AM SO THERE!

For such a long time I was incredibly sad...thinking about what I had lost. I have finally realized that what I thought I lost doesn't even exist. This man is not the man I thought he was. He is not the man I fell in love with, wanted to share my life with, or one day have children with. He is a completely different person. It almost scares me how he has changed...on the turn of a dime. Its unreal! But I guess really he didn't "change", he is just now showing his true face.

I mean...to start with the name calling...really, are we in middle school? REALLY?

"You don't get to call me whore. When I met you I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done, so all the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me!.....I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore." --Meredith

The list of names I was called is conniving slut, dirty whore, crazy, mentally unstable, manipulative, nut job, oh and my favorite one of all....that I was his concubine.

Definition of Concubine - A concubine is generally a woman in an ongoing, matrimonial-like relationship with a man, whom she cannot marry for any reason. The reason may be because she is of lower social rank than the man or because the man is already married. Generally, only men of high economic and social status have concubines. Many historical Asian, Europeans and Middle Eastern rulers maintained concubines as well as wives.[1]
Historically, concubinage was frequently voluntary (by the woman and/or her family's arrangement), as it provided a measure of economic security for the woman involved. Involuntary, or servile, concubinage sometimes involves sexual slavery of one member of the relationship, typically the woman, being a pleasure slave to the man.[citation needed]

Seriously? SERIOUSLY??

I guess when I am wrong about somebody...I am REALLY wrong. I haven't hated a guy this much since this guy in middle school named Adam....and Kris really reminds me of him. Just like a middle schooler, calling names and not taking any responsibility for his actions.

I know I am not a perfect person. I did wrong in this situation, too. I know that I am pretty good at getting what I want, I am persuasive, and usually know exactly what to say; but I don't use it to hurt people. And for him to take the fact that I was...what I would call, firting with him....and say that I was manipulating him. COME ON!!! He is a grown man. A big boy. He can make his own decisions.

If you ever ask him about any...I mean ANY, of his exs...the first thing he will probably mention is that they were "crazy" or a "nut job"...does he ever think that it is HIM driving us crazy. Crazy with freakin anger!!!!

Ok, I had to let all that out. I just couldn't keep it inside any longer. I was almost shaking at my desk with all this running through me. Ill be ok, just needed to vent today!

30 Days of Thanks

#5

Today, I have to say that I am thankful for Starbucks! I know that is so sad...that Starbucks makes my list this quickly. But I really do love it. My mom thinks if I ever get a side job, that it should be at Starbucks. I think maybe I should get stock in the company.

My drink right now...

Triple Grande

Non-fat

No whip

2 pumps White Mocha

2 pumps cinnamon dolce

Latte

Try it!

Hold My Heart

Heard this song for the first time a couple days ago. I feel in love with it the moment the words started. Its by Tenth Avenue North.....listen to it if you haven't yet! Here are the lyrics...

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.

30 Days of Thanks

I gotta start with saying…I am in such a great mood today. I haven’t felt like this in a while…and I really needed it. So, thank you…if you are one of those people who have really lifted my spirits. You know who you are ; )

#3

I’m thankful for my car ride to work in the mornings. This is kinda a 2 in 1 thing, because I am more thankful for my drive to work in the mornings now that the sun is up while I am on the road. So, I guess that means I am also thankful for day light savings. Every morning I listen to the radio and think about my day. It is a perfect time for me to clear my head and plan out all I need to do. Also, the sky is so beautiful at that time of day…it really puts things in perspective for me.

#4

I am thankful for my sister. I per her on #4 because that should have been the one of today’s date (if I had started on the 1st) and today is her birthday. She turns 30 today and I know she has been kinda doom and gloom about it…but I hope she realizes that it doesn’t matter. She is one of the most amazing women I know and she will always be my awesome big sis. When we were little we did not get along. I realize now it was probably because I followed her around trying to be just like her, asking her to dress me and do my hair, and wanting to hang out with her friends. That had to be annoying. But as we got older we became best friends. I know there are times when we don’t see eye to eye…but I know she loves me and will always be there for me. I hope she knows how much she means to me and that I will always be her little sister…looking up to her and wanting to be just like her! I love you Chrissy!

Winter Guard Wednesday

So, I have been receiving emails from, one of the most brilliant men I know, Chris P and I thought I would share my most recent one about winter guard. I love this one because it is focused on the EA area, which is the area I need the most help with. I am a "down stairs" thinking...movement and equipment, and it has been hard for me to see and grow in the "up stairs" department...GE and EA. Thank goodness that Kris started forcing me to sit up higher to help me see through a GE and EA lens. I'm getting there...but I still have a lot to learn.


"Creating the Blue Print

The Composing Process

I'm constantly amazed at how many folks either don't understand the "composition" sub-caption in EA or else carry their own interpretation of what they THINK it is or should be. Some find it helpful if you compare this process to having an architect create a blue print for your house. You know how many rooms you want, where you want them placed and what function they'll serve. Now consider transferring this to your program. You know the EVENTS you want to showcase, you have an idea of where on the stage you'd like them to be, and you know their function within the program. This is a starting point for conceptualizing the show through time.

Before you start, please review the components of design – line, shape, texture, dimension, negative/positive space, balance, motion, unity, etc. THIS CANNOT BE SKIPPED. The elements of design are like our alphabet of 26 letters. From those 26 letters you can create every word in the language. From the elements of design, you can create a program that is artistically stimulating, diverse and efficient.

OPTIONS:
• Geometric design (drill – pictures & patterns)
• Freeform Staging (texture & motion to set up a feature; be sure it is well-planned & orchestrated)
• Presentational features (staged events dominated by body and equipment but lacking the motion and design variety that elevates the design.) This is mostly "functional" and the easiest option. However, it lacks the depth brought to the design through motion and shape or geometry.
• Which comes first? Some folks will stage first then layer with body and equipment. Some folks will compose the body and equipment first then create the staging and design the connections (transitions) from set to set. The most successful designers conceptualize all of the components (form/staging, body and equipment) and then build the composition with all thoughts in mind.

WHAT GETS POINTS – THE ASSETS
• Variety of design options in both staging and in body and equipment
• MUSICALITY, MUSICALITY, MUSICALITY!!!! Follow the musical structure of phrase length, meter, tempo, DYNAMICS, depth of music (multiple lines.)
• Clarity of your intent. The design must be clear on the floor and not exist ONLY in your mind's eye.
• Well designed transitions. Smart use of motion, avoiding the simple functional choice in lieu of quality design and evolution of the ideas.
• Characteristics. If your show has a clear cut personality or character, make sure the performers have the suitable characteristics written into their show. If not, let the musical style suggest the characteristics that would enhance the depth of your design.
• Always and forever EXCELLENCE.

WHAT IS PROBLEMATIC – THE LIABILITIES
• Limiting your options – Repetition runs the risk of boredom.
• Random acts of color guard without purpose or connection
• Lack of relevance to the music
• Over-writing. Don't set the kids up for failure
• Excess abstraction – we need to "get it"
• Wandering around the stage without reason or intent

REMEMBER
• Features must work together (unity)
• Good combination of drill, texture & some presentational moments is a wise choice
• Impact points are usually strongest when set on a good geometric form.
• Motion -- vary your methods of travel from set to set. Create not only a rhythm in travel modes, but offer the students an opportunity to show varied skills.
• Space – vary your spatial relationships to bring life to the staging. Work in pairs or trios or clusters, work in close space occasionally (it will force you to write the body/equipment differently)
• You can be creative and successful at every level of development. Write for your students' success.

This is only a thumbnail overview of the most salient points. Please don't hesitate to initiate dialog on any areas you want expanded on. Much of the success with even the least mature guards lies in the smart choices of the designer. If you are fully prepared and have a good understanding of the composing process, your students will be able to handle what you
give them."

This song is a lil old school....

"Have You Ever?" by Brandy

[Chorus]
Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all of your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, have you ever

30 Days of Thanks

I have had many posts copying my sister...because, like I have said before, part of me is still that little 6 year old girl who wants to be just like her big sis.

I saw she is doing 30 Days of Thanks during the month of November...and with what has been happening to me lately...I need to focus on what is wonderful around me instead of what is not.

I am a few days late so I will do 2 today and tomorrow to get back on track. Just like my sister said in her blog, some of the things I am thankful for might be deep and heart filled, but some my be a little shallow.

#1

I am thankful for my new friend I met through this blog. Even though she lives in a different state I feel very close to her. She is someone that I know knows exactly how I feel and what I am going through. She has such a kind way of telling me things that I need to hear, but also already knows when I've heard to much and cant take anymore. I think if we lived closer to each other it would be an amazing friendship...because even through the Internet I consider her a true friend already. It doesn't shock me that we are so much alike. The person who brought us to each other seems to like the same "type" of people. Again, I am thankful for her...it makes it worth going through a valley to have a new friend through it all.

#2

I am thankful for Ben and Jerry's ice cream and more specifically Half Baked Ben and Jerry's ice cream. This is no problem that that ice cream can not fix. I have had many sad girly nights that was made better because of the wonderful Half Baked and Hope Floats.

So there are my first 2 things I am thankful for. More to come tomorrow and through out the month. Maybe my blog will be more cheery to read now....I know some of you were concerned.

Smiling Faces

Why are there so many smiling faces in the 2nd floor work room in the morning? I have decided it is the coffee!

Here at the high school there are rooms where the teachers can get coffee (given by the Roar) because they really don't want us to have coffee makers in our rooms. The 2nd floor work room/copy room is where those of us on the upper level can get our coffee. Most of the time, during the day...there are not very happy faces in that room because our copier tends to jam a lot. But in the morning, the teachers come in very cheerful...waiting their turn to get their coffee.

Sometimes, when I fill up my caffeinated beverage for the morning I think of my mom. I remember when I was a little girl and she was teaching at the Elementary and she would have coffee every morning on her ride, from Rolla, to school and then another cup when we got to school. I guess in this way...I am a great deal like my mom. I'm ok with that : )

Beautiful day....

I really need to clear my head. There is to much running through it right now. My head and my heart are in two different places...which is never good.

So, today when I get home, I am going to take Leo (for his first time) and Phoebe on a walk. This summer when I would take Phoebe for a walk it was a great way to clear my head and calm my emotions.

On another note....

Heard this song the other day....kinda love it!

"Maybe"

I don't want to be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will
I don't want to sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will, oh yes I will

Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
The only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back to me

I don't want to be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go

Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
The only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
But I'm gonna wash away, oh I'm gonna wash away everything til you come home to me

Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
In the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back

Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
The only way to really know is to really let it go

Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back to me
You're gonna come back to me
You're gonna come back to me

A "G" rated Halloween

So, my students think I am very boring....and I am ok with that. I had a very "G" rated Halloween, but it was a lot of fun.

Friday, I did not have school and my sister came to visit. We had big plans to do lots of painting...but I was feeling very lazy and tried, so we didn't get as much done as planed. We did have a lot of girl fun though! She got to watch the Willard Band do a run through of their show Friday morning. After that we went to Wal-Mart to get a few things, had lunch at Subway where Chrissy introduced me to a new and yummy sub, and headed back to my place. At that time we should have started painting...but we just sat and watched some TV. Very relaxing! I finally taped the hallway and then we decided to go to the mall. I got a new top at Old Navy (wearing it today and it is super cute) and a Halloween costume at Spencer's. I was pretty excited about my Star Trek costume and it was even "Chrissy Approved!"

Saturday, Chrissy and I had some McDonald's breakfast (I know, big shock!) and then went to get a pedicure/manicure. I don't have nails so I got the pedicure and Chrissy got a manicure. We discussed how I could budget this into every month...I think I'm going to!

After Chrissy left I just sat around and waited for the Trick or Treaters to start coming by. I got a lot of candy thinking I would have some left over for my classes on Monday...but I had tons of trick or treaters in my neighborhood. For my first time I think I did pretty good. The kids seemed to really like the candy I got and I ended up running out of candy by 8:30.

I had some friends over, so when the trick or treaters were done we started a Scary Movie! The Haunting in Connecticut....which ended up not being so scary.

I slept in on Sunday. With the time change and sleeping till 9:30 I got in some much needed sleep. It was a beautiful day so me and Phoebe and Leo were out side quite a bit. I love it how Leo can be left outside and he doesn't mind at all. Phoebe on the other hand...doesn't want to be outside unless you are out there with her. She wants to be where the people are!

It was really a great weekend. And is a good example of why there should be a 4 day work week!

Sleeping Alone...

For quite some time now I have been sleeping in my bed without him next to me. But for some reason last night I was very aware he wasn't there by me. My bed felt very empty all of a sudden and I felt very alone.

The weird thing is, he didn't even stay at my place that much...I was always at his house. I became very use to how his bed felt and I remember having a hard time falling asleep in mine...by myself...when we first broke up.

I don't know why last night my arm kept reaching over and my hand kept searching for him. I woke up multiple times and I know it was because I was wondering where he was. Then, when I became fully awake I realized...he's not here.

Its been a while since Ive had a night like that.....I'm so glad I had Phoebe there with me.

New Songs

I need some new songs to get from iTunes. If you have any favorites that you recommend me getting let me know. I have just been listening to the same stuff a lot lately and need some newness in my life.

Thanks!

Winter Guard Wednesday

I am so looking forward to the winter season. Watching "So You Think You Can Dance" last night and the night before is really getting me inspired. Also, I have really enjoyed working with the Willard color guard and I hope they are ready, willing, and able to take in all that I hope to get the chance to teach them.

No much else to say about my Winter Guard Wednesday. My mind is somewhat focused on something else at the moment and thinking about winter guard seems to remind me of it even more. One day it wont though. One day...

Already Gone.....

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

7 hours...

I think I went about 7 hours without thinking about Kris. I know its not much...but its something.

I have to keep reminding myself, he is not my Prince Charming, he is not my dream man, he is not the love of my life, he is not my lobster, and he is not The One. No matter how much I once thought he was all these things...I have to remind myself daily, hourly, and all the moments in between, that he is not these things to me anymore.

Do I still wish sometimes that he was? Yes. Knowing the phrase "ignorance is bliss" really has a hold on me. I sometimes wish I could forget everything I know now and go back to thinking of him like I use to. To have the image in my mind of him that I use to have. But I cant. I cant go back.

I have this list in my mind...a list of all the qualities I would like to find in a guy.....

Passionate
Intelligent
Musical
Creative
Strong
Funny
Self Sustaining
Confident

And there are qualities I cant sum up in one word....

I want someone who is Brilliant in what they do, who doesn't settle in just doing their job, but redefines their job. Someone who wants to take care of me but NOT baby me. Someone who sees me as the strong and determined woman I am but also knows that sometimes I am a simple and soft girl. I want someone who can appreciate both music and sports. If they are a sports person, they will tolerate and maybe even go to a band competition or winter guard festival. If they are a music person, they can still go to a Cardinals game with me. I want someone who is one fire about me and about life. Someone who isn't just walking through the motions, but striving to be better all the time. I want someone Extraordinary! Because I want to be Extraordinary! And I want us to make each other better.

Kris was all these things to me. But I have to let it go. He may have met almost all of these qualities I want in a guy...but he was missing one very important one.

To love me and only me! Unconditionally...with no restraint. Like I did him.

I went 7 hours without thinking about Kris today.....

I Wanna

I never thought that I was so blind
I can finally see the truth
It’s me for you

Tonight you can’t imagine that I’m by your side
Cuz it’s never gonna be the truth
Too far for you

But can you hear me say?
Don’t throw me away
And there’s no way out
I gotta hold you somehow

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Everyday but all I have is time
Our loves the perfect crime

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Every way and when they set me free
Just put your hands on me

Take everything that I know you’ll break
And I give my life away
So far for you
But can you hear me say
Don’t throw me away
There’s no way out
I gotta hold you somehow

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Everyday but all I have is time
Our loves the perfect crime

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Every way and when they set me free
Just put your hands on me

Tonight I’m weak
It’s just another day without you
That I can’t sleep
I gave the world away for you to

Hear me say
Don’t throw me away
There’s no way out
I gotta hold you somehow

All I wanna do is touch you
I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Everyday but I all I have is time
Our loves the perfect crime

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you
You wanna touch me too
Every way and when they set me free
Just put your hands on me

Good Day

Do you ever just wake up and head to work and know it is going to be a good day?

I feel like today is going to be a really good day! It really seems like I am breaking out of my depressive state for a while...which is good. I don't know how long it will last, but I am thankful for it while it does.

I only have one parent scheduled to see me tonight during Parent/Teacher conferences and their child has an A in my class, so that should be a very pleasant conference. For the rest of the time I will simply work on my lesson plans.

I need to find sometime fun for my Computer Application I students to do on Thursday. We have finished our Excel Unit and I don't want to start an new unit right before a 3 day weekend. Maybe we will watch Charlie Brown's Halloween movie....that would be nice.

I am wanting to find some Ethical issues in Business for my Basic Business class to debate over. I think it could be fun. Or one main issue for them to write a paper over. Maybe both.

So, I do have a lot I can do tonight while sitting and waiting for my 1 parent.

This weekend....

So my mom came down to visit me this weekend. We had a good time, mostly filled with shopping and cleaning...but still fun. I was kinda tired while she was here so I hope she had fun too. I love it when someone keeps me company while I clean....I sure did get a lot more done than on a normal weekend.

Saturday evening my room mate had a couple people over. My mom had already headed home so I didn't mind. I was actually asleep already when they got there, but I ended up waking up. One person that came over was this guy that I had a crush on for quite a while. Pretty much all the way through my relationship with Kris I had a crush on this guy...he is just an all around amazing person. But since I was with Kris we ended up just becoming really good friends.

Well, I thought that maybe after Kris and I broke up that this other guy would ask me out...and he never did. A couple of his friends did tell me he was interested, and that made me really excited, but he never asked me out.

So, Saturday night I got up the nerve to ask him about it. He said he wanted to ask me out but that he didn't think I was over Kris. He wanted to wait till he felt like I was really ready. HOW FREAKIN SWEET IS THAT!!!!! And just the fact that he admitted to being interested. My heart kinda skipped a beat.

This guy is like one of my BEST friends. I can talk to him about anything and I have fun just doing nothing with him. He remembers everything I say...and doesn't mind hearing all about my guard stuff. He is really one of the good ones.

But the fact that he is my best friend makes me nervous. What if it wouldn't work....and I lost him? It breaks my heart just thinking about it.....sigh

I don't have to worry about that now. I am not completely over Kris and everything that happened with that....but the healing process is happening....and I look forward to the possibilities that might arise when I am all put back together.

It was a very nice weekend....

I know what I need....

My entire life I have been brought up a Christian. A good Southern Baptist girl. I have heard all the stories and been taught a million lessons. I believe in everything I have been shown, taught, and preached too. I have many amazing memories of the church camp I went to every summer, Super Summer and remember all the amazing things I learned and moments when I felt God near me.

I know that in this world there are many things we can cling to and that none of them will fill us up. My "dream job" here at Willard cant keep me happy, or the chance to work with the guard here. My new puppy Leo, my new house, or the people around me cant always be enough. I know all of this. In my mind.

But for some reason, I don't feel it. I've gone to church during this difficult time of mine, but I don't hear the words, I don't feel what those around me are feeling, and I just don't know why. I almost feel bad for going to church, because in reality...I am just going through the motions. Its like there is a wall...a wall between me and God.

I know He has not put it there. But I don't know how I can get past it. Like I said, I know in my mind what I need to help me through this time and get me to the other side...but I don't feel it in my heart. Maybe I feel too dirty, or that I don't deserve to be happy again. I don't know.

Believe me...I know what I need...and I know that there are people praying for me. Thank you for that and please keep it up.

Turning moments

There are moments in your life...small or large moments....that can change everything you knew and change how you view things or people. It can change your actions...how you view yourself...make you confess to secrets...and make you hit rock bottom. I've had a moment...a series of moments...like that this week. I will never be the same.

I'm now very sorry for some of my recent actions. My entire life I have never regretted anything I have done. I believed that everything happens for a reason and I can always learn and grow from my choices. Even if they were poor decisions. When I was younger I think I made quite a few poor decisions and I learned from them. As an adult, I think things through more and am more deliberate in my actions. But this time...my decisions effected someone else a great deal...and for that I am sorry. I am not above saying when I was wrong (even in my class room) and I was wrong for what I did.

A couple of summers ago I went on a diet. Not really to lose weight, but just to simply be more healthy. Along with making my body healthier I decided to make my mind stronger and healthier. I read a couple books about your inter thoughts and positive thinking. One of those book was The Secret. It was amazing.

I need to do something like that again I think. My spirit is broken, my mind is unfocused, and my body is reacting accordingly to these inner problems by feeling run down and my face breaking out (yuck!). I am in the valley after being on the mountain top for a year and a half and it is hard. I cant do this on my own. Almost everything in my life I feel like I can do by myself, but not this.

I am finally admitting to needing help.....

"Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy.
Maybe being grateful is recognizing what you have for what it is.
Appreciate small victories.
Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human.
Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know.
And maybe we’re thankful for things we’ll never know.
At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing …
… is reason enough to celebrate."
--Meredith

Winter Guard Wednesday

My Color Guard Philosophy

For every color guard or winter guard I work with I hope to instill a strong sense of self-discipline, self-motivation and an inner drive for excellence in everything the guard members do. From their performance opportunities, I want guard members to gain the self-confidence to know there is nothing they cannot achieve, no obstacle they cannot overcome, if they are willing to utilize all of their talents and work hard and long enough.

Whether during week long choreography camps, one day technique clinics, or an entire season, I strive to promote a safe and powerful culture in which guard members can experience technical excellence, a deep connection to each other, achievement of personal and group goals, and the total joy of performing.

Color Guard and Winter Guard are not just activities; it is a passion…a way of life. I wish that every guard member I work with will not just participate in color guard and/or winter guard, but that they will fall in love with the experiences of it.

“It is so easy to hide behind steps…it’s much deeper than that. Our goal should not just be to perfect what a choreographer gives us but also to allow our own unique voice as a dancer artist to come through and marry to the energy of the choreographer… That is beautiful” -- Mia Michaels

Overwhelmed

I am so overwhelmed right now....I can barely breathe. There was a lot of information given to me yesterday and I just need a couple days to take it all in. Last night I was on the couch trying to wrap my mind around it all....and I broke out into hives. So, I took a benadryl and went to bed.

Right now I feel so dirty and used. Like an entire 2 years of my life has been wasted because it was all a lie. I literally need to puke right now....and I sill have to teach today.

Just when I think things cant get worst...they do. How did this happen to me? I just want it all to go away! Last night I was thinking of that movie...Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind...and started to wish I could erase some of my memories.

If you could erase a memory...what would it be? I know what mine would be. Tell me yours.