"Of all the things you've taught me, there are still two things I don't know. I don't know how to fall out of love with you and I don't know how to let go."
I don't remember how long it took me to get over Adam.
Adam was the guy I dated in High School. We started dating the summer before my Sophomore year, he moved to Missouri my Junior year, and I broke up with him in the middle of my Senior year. He loved me and was very open about the fact that he wanted to marry me. The plan was, he was going to propose after graduations. I guess I got scared...so, I broke up with him. We got back together once, but then it was really over and he ended up moving back to Iowa.
I don't remember how long it took me to get over him...but I was the one who broke it off so it wasn't as hard on me. I do know, that I still think of him and wonder how he is doing, which worries me. That was around 6 years ago! And I did not feel for him as deeply as I felt for K.
I have to admit to myself that I simply do not know if I will ever truly "move on" from K. I still have moments throughout every day when I think of him. Sometimes they make me sad...remembering what I lost and how things weren't what I thought they were. But most of the time...I feel happy, almost warm all over, when he crosses my mind. The thing is, I don't want to end up with someone else and in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart wish I was with him. Like a lobster who has lost its mate...it simply goes through life without being with another lobster.
"I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in I stumble and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know?"
The other day was so beautiful outside. I remember standing in my back yard and looking up at the sky, it was so blue. Then I thought...is he doing the same thing? I started thinking of the types of things we would do together on a day with such great weather. It reminded me of the summer of 08, we went on a number of trips and it was probably the best summer I have ever had. That summer was when I knew with out any doubt that I wanted to marry that man.
I sometimes wonder what I would do if he wanted me back. It would take a long time for me to trust him again. Every call and every text I would questions...which I am sure would cause him to get annoyed. But, I have to be honest and say...if he asked me back...I would pause. I wouldn't have an answer, not for a while.
"But I can't help thinking — isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but.. part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting."
Rereading this to myself makes me realize I simply cant put in to words how I feel with this situation very well. It frustrates me. But, this is the best I can do.
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It honestly breaks my heart (and makes me feel physically ill) to think that you would even consider taking him back. You want the thought of him...who you thought he was. You don't really want that person back. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve someone who would NEVER even consider doing what he did.
ReplyDeleteStill praying for you. Always.
Kind of the way his texts from you get questioned now?
ReplyDeleteThe fire and passion in a good relationship will have arguments too. But with a successful relationship,that fire and passion comes commitment, and trust. That person who you would walk through fire for, and you know you can always count on, will be there for you and would never want to hurt you, no matter what... no matter how mad you get or frustrated, you work it out because you know deep in your soul you love that person more than anything and they feel the exact same way for you. You never betray that person, use them, lie or deceive them. Because you feel that deeply about them. And if that commitment isn't returned, that "fire" didn't really exist... there is a superficial type of attraction that dies very quickly, and there is fire and passion that bonds two people in a great relationship... fire and passion that grows into a deeper love that can not be betrayed because of a deep commitment. Chrissy makes a good point, I think sometimes we remember "what we want to remember". Like the song says, "Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind, watercolor memories of the way we were .... So it's the laughter we will remember, whenever we remember, the way we were..." You have to know there is someone who wants the same things in a relationship that you do, and prizes you and holds you in highest esteem to never betray your trust or your love... with that comes passion and fire and also great happiness... you'll find it when you let go of the past and know that you deserve what you are seeking... he's out there, and you'll bump into him when you least expect it too... the harder you look, it won't happen... the right guy will come into your life when you have put all the negatives in the past and are ready for the positives to come your way. As long as you dwell in the past, the positives are blocked. You deserve someone who appreciates you for the special person you are... he's out there... you don't have to "settle" for second rate or give up your self respect to have someone. OK, I'm off my soap box now! Love, Aunt Kathy
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