I am afraid.....
The time has finally come for me to close the door on what K and I had. The man I thought would be the one I would spend the rest of my life with. The man I saw as my soul mate and my true love. It will officially be finished if I do this.
And I am afraid....
As I'm sitting here writing this my hands are shaking, my heart is pounding, making it even difficult to type. I don't know how to say good bye, to not have him in my life, to be strong enough to walk away. But I know I need to.....
Last summer after what happened with K and all the heart break that followed I had seen what love could do to people, and it was hurt and sadness. Alone was better. I truly thought I would never let myself fall for someone again. Skin deep feelings only. And then, suddenly there was him, and... he knew me. He saw me, and it was this... thing. He makes me feel safe and warm.
So, I get it now. What everyone was telling me. That someone would eventually come to make me trust again and believe again and love again.
But I'm still afraid.....
Afraid to let go of something I loved so deeply and so unconditionally. All these questions run through my head..."what if" questions. Questions that, if I am truly honest with myself, I know will never happen.
What if he wants me back?
What if he is truly sorry?
What if he finally changes?
What if he could love me the way I did him?
What if.....
It will never happen. I do know that. But the "what if" is crippling me at this moment. What I am starting right now is to good, to amazing, to perfect to risk messing up. I can not mess this up!
So, I am trying to find a way and find the strength to close that door. I know it is going to hurt. But I have to rip the band aid off.
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I had a really crappy end of relationship after a really wonderful relationship. I had a difficult time grieving the loss of the relationship. It was like the guy died or something. Except I knew he was just choosing not to be with me. So I felt dramatic and sick to my stomach and sad for such a long time. Over a year!!!!
ReplyDeleteNow when I think of that, it helps me to know that what we had was real love. It was lovely and perfect but it had a definate start and a definate end. I think its okay to validate your feelings that it was a great time while it was there, but when it is over, wishing for the past isn't healthy. Well, it wasn't healthy for me, anyway. Facing the truth that over means over is SO hard. Especially when the love was so good!
So I have been apart from that guy for 8.5 years now. I have been with my love (the one God intended for me!) for 7 years. 8.5 years is a long time, but what I felt with him was so real that it doesn't feel so long ago. Does that make sense?
I wanted to encourage you that you can find that kind of love - and BETTER - again. You know you have the capability to love because you have experienced it intensely. I think that is a really hopeful way to look at a breakup situation.
I stalked your blog this month and I totally understand the stress of being a first year teacher, the heartache of loss, and the dreams for your future that you have!
Sonja, I'm happy for you...Relieved and happy and thanking God. I would have liked to have talked to you or messaged you, but for some reason my computer has been acting up. It won't even let me chat with you. So I'm messaging here. All my prayers and strength are with you.
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